blastedgoat

IRIS retracts…
Stinging yellow sunshine
blends with blue pin wheeling circles
mixing into acid green sparks.
Combinations of coordinated colors
explode and reflect on a solid black RIVER.
A bridge burns…
cinders fall into the Cedar…
KCRR 97.7 streams a WAR OF STARS
a SYMPHONY
of crashes and booms
that have nothing to do
with IOWA summer storms.

In Siddhartha dreams enlighten the dreamer to some greater truth, “when a man is asleep, he penetrates his innermost and dwells in Atman” (Hesse 1951 7). Siddhartha becomes restless when he realizes what he has become; his entire life sickens him. After a sleepless night Siddhartha falls asleep at daybreak and has a strange dream. Kamala’s songbird was quiet so Siddhartha approached the cage and found it had died. Siddhartha took the bird out of the cage and threw it on the road and “was horrified…as if he had thrown away with this dead bird all that was good and of value in himself… It seemed to him that he had spent his life in a worthless and senseless manner; he retained nothing vital, nothing in any way precious or worth while” (Hesse 1951 82). I identified with Siddhartha because as a child I had a similar dream. My bird was an egg and it told me to throw it on the ground. I was hesitant but the egg assured me it wouldn’t hurt. It would just help him wake up. I said goodbye and smashed the egg on concrete. I was devastated and felt as though I had lost a friend. The dream wasn’t over. I “woke up” to find my room slightly off, everything seemed hazy. I looked out the window and saw was a large area of grass surrounding a concrete slab where children played four-square with a white ball. When I tried to examine my surroundings further I was able to wake up. Siddhartha’s dream shook him from his temporary stupor and allowed him to move on. He replayed his life in his mind and discovered the world of the flesh had gotten him no further in finding himself. His dream served as a metaphorical death and rebirth into a new way of living. Siddhartha no longer belonged in the city so he walked away from the life he had created. The only person who understood him was his lover Kamala who had begun to show signs of her own mortality. Kamala understood his decision and did not try to find him. Things might have turned out very differently for Siddhartha if this dream had not occurred or if he had ignored it.

…my mum will soon walk in to bother me.. and ask me what i am doing. i of course will tell her home work… ok i was wrong, she just walked in. her friend nichole came over, fuck. now she’s yelling at me to go bring the clothes in from the dryer… yes we live in ghetto apartments. 75 cents to wash 75 cents to dry. fuck. well… i kind of forgot my train of thought… fuck… haha i love that word, honestly. my arm itches. bah. i got to thinking of her today, my ex-best friend, knew addition to my hate list… prolly because i was talking to her twin whom i love so dearly. i just kept playing through all the times i spent with her… it hurts so much to remember how we were. we told each other everything. we could laugh all night. i miss having her around in that way. she was so beautiful. she was my butterfly until this past summer when she lied to me about being with someone who i thought really cared for me. i lost all trust in her. she has been talking about me behind my back and i never believed she would do that. i just don’t know. i feel like crap. i need a friend, a girl friend. girls are so beautiful and fragile i don’t understand them and i am one. though sometimes i wish i wasn’t. i wish i were nothing, that way i would have no inhibitions, nothing to hold me back, nothing to be held accountable to. i could just be myself it wouldn’t matter. i wouldn’t be subjected to the torture of never being good, pretty, or skinny enough. there is a wall that stops me from being who i want to be. i would like to feel sexy and attractive but that’s impossible, too many people have already convinced me otherwise. so i cover up, ashamed and undiscovered. what else was i thinking about today? too many things to mention in this damned blog. in a strange way i hope nobody reads this but i have given up caring. if anyone doesn’t want to read this they don’t have to, i wasn’t writing it for them anyway. i write it for me. because i like myself. i think…

yo, another re-post. ha i just love keeping tabs on the lameness that was, is and always will be… me :] updates are in [these fuckers] enjoy…

i am at odds with everything. my mum, my boyfriend, most of my friends, but mostly myself. i no longer take my medication for fear of becoming dependent like my mum. this weekend has got me thinking about my life and what i really and truly want and that is:

* to be happy with myself and completely content with my flaws and downfalls.
* to fall in love fully and completely with another human being.
* to look at the stars at least once a week and talk to kyle as often as i can.
* to get the fuck out of my house and away from my drug-ridden, psychotic mother… the root of my aliments.
* to learn how to spell.
* to write my great novel and be remembered by those who understood me.

i think that’s the lot of it. i also want to own all of the harry potter books, hardcover and get all of the lotr extended editions, and watch them religiously. [i have these things now]

if i could tell you how much i genuinely care about my boyfriend jens i would be here for days and weeks. he is absolutely wonderful and yet terribly horrible at the same time. only the ones you truly love can break your heart like that again and again. great expectations i guess, but fuck we’re only human and only seventeen and eighteen. what else could i possibly hope for? i would like to apologize though, for the way i was and have been. maybe tomorrow will be better, though since it is a monday that is unlikely. very unlikely. my birthday is approaching shortly. let it be a sweet one. [it wasn't]

i must be going to practice my lines for theatre. lines are due on tuesday i need to get off book like, today. [this would have been murder in the house of horrors, my last high school play]

found another funny old blog, gosh the internet is fun :]

conception: the process of arriving at an abstract idea or belief or the moment at which such an idea starts to take shape or emerge…

i am not ever going to change but i finally realize this is a good thing. i am who i want to be and love who i am becoming… if that doesn’t fit in with others ideas of me, so be it. to please one is to disappoint many. i know at the core i am good and my motivations only stem out of my wanting to help people.

i am tired of feeling as though i have to be lessened, or put out. i rage with both passion and guilt. i am burned into the memories of everyone i have ever locked eyes with… i feel my spirit was not meant to be contained as it is. i know i need to be free, desperately, wildly free.

i know what i need right now. i need to scream out all of these things in my head. i am not going to feel sorry, anymore.

i didn’t choose to see life in a different way, my eyes were given to me, coloured by my childhood and brief exposure into adulthood. i may be angry, stubborn and childish but i am honest. and i believe honesty lies at the root of all understanding.

here is me being honest: i don’t mind being crazy, i honestly don’t mind. i don’t see myself that way, or that way in a bad context. so if people dislike who i am… i can do nothing to change that, i refuse to change for anyone.

This is kind of a re-post because I made a video for one of my poems. I think it may have changed from the original so here you be:

Tall Tale
I scale a wall ten feet tall and curiously
fall to the forest floor. Tree roots grab ankles,
heels feel warm with moss growing between toes.
Leaping from log to stone in search of flowers
I absentmindedly wander into an overgrown graveyard.
Here heroes died and were laid to rest; now wild-birds
sing mourning songs and them build monuments:
make-shift nests in the chests of ancient trees
with rotting cavities for mouths and sickly
splintered fingers that grasp at grey clouds.
Fingernails scratch orange leaves
that cling to running legs.
I smell the growling breath of a stranger
I dare not raise alarm
a figure stands glued to a corner
his black eyes on me…

I was sent to Earth to cover the 2008 American Presidential Election by the great one of my home planet. I was to depart with a male version of my species and infiltrate the political processes of a Midwestern state. On Earth, mates live with each other beyond the necessity for child rearing. This was a strange concept to us but my partner and I vigorously studied the disposition of lower-middle class American couples. I thought them a bit frumpy and crude at first glance but they really are an interesting subject. Humanoids attend Universities where they exchange imaginary creatures called “Loans” for valuable recreational activities. Humanoids that attend University are known as “Students” and they are a nasty bunch. Data collected over the span of several months by my partner and I conclude that Students are low on the hierarchical chain of human command. They eat indigestible worms with seasoned foil packet, they consume large amounts of Miller Lite, a most horrid beverage which causes them to behave in most peculiar ways. The young females dress in a way to provoke the young males. To any reasonable being vomit and loss of motor skills seems at best unattractive. Young Students perform these rituals in order to mate with another unattractive being of their kind. Alcohol is used so males may later deny attempting to impregnate the females, especially if the female is unattractive or bloated. Alcohol is a magical elixir that raises the Student’s exceptionally low level of self-esteem by making them think that others actually accept them. A Student can live in denial for several years before they finally come to terms with their occupation. They are sold into slavery by Banking and Loan Industries that require them to work a job in the food-service industry despite having earned their four year degrees in meaningless trades. They buy things they don’t need to fill the emptiness and finally have children, which finally destroys them forever. As I have said these young subjects were very fascinating and I am pleased to file this report. I hope it will serve as a historical account for future generations after the Humanoid Students take over planet Earth, which ultimately destroys it…

… do as the man says for heaven sakes…

Lovers

A wedding ring slinks through the pipes of a crumbling claw-footed bathtub.

I see you looking back at me in the mirror.

Widows

A wedding ring slinks through the pipes of a crumbling claw-footed bathtub.

I see you looking back at me in the mirror.

Windows

A wedding ring slinks through the pipes of a crumbling claw-footed bathtub.

I see you looking back at me in the mirror.

I am looking at http://www3.bc.sympatico.ca/jcannon/rocknrule/ and giggling to myself like a school-girl. Rock and Rule is a ridiculous movie. you should check it out sometime if you get a chance. It is set in the future after WWIII and everyone is descended from mutant cats and dogs and rats. It’s freaking hilarious. Well here’s the plot as borrowed by the author of the above website :]

Here is an excellent plot summary written by James Ellis:
“Angel, a member of a punk rock band in the apocalyptic future, is kidnapped by Mok, a legendary super rocker. Obsessed with a dark experiment, Mok plans to use Angel’s voice to summon a demon from another dimension. The rest of the band follows Mok to Nuke York in an attempt to get her back.”

If nothing else watch it because the soundtrack includes Debbie Harry, Cheap Trick, Lou Reed, Iggy Pop and Earth Wind and Fire…

I might write a more in-depth review/analysis if anyone is interested :]